It has been two whole months since I launched this blog, and I’ve definitely learned a thing or two about how to keep this place full of virtual tumbleweeds and cricket noises. I’m getting over that stage, but for those of you who still enjoy your cyber-solitude, I present a list of 7 sure-fire methods to attract zero visitors to your website or blog.

• Steer clear of other bloggers in your niche. Make no contact whatsoever with anyone who could link to you, write for you, work with you, etc. In the long run they’ll just end up sending you traffic and what not.
• Keep your forums signatures link-free. Communities of like-minded people are infested with potential clickers of your links. Prevent any pageviews by making sure you don’t put links to your website in your signature space, especially if you’re an active contributor to the discussions. As a general rule, don’t place links to your site anywhere on the internet. They’ll just be followed.
• Forget everything you’ve ever learned about SEO. Who wants Google crawling all over their website? If you don’t know anything about Search Engine Optimization, consider yourself ahead of the game. If you’ve already spent countless hours reading up on it, clear your mental-cache immediately while you still can. Forget everything. Now, open up your website files and misuse h1 tags, erase keywords, and rewrite your URL structure.
• Stay away from social bookmarking and such. Prevent the potential floods of traffic by keeping your distance from Digg, Del.icio.us, Reddit, and all those guys. This means don’t submit your links, and pray that your readers (if you have any) don’t submit them either.
• Don’t speak of your website. When your friends and family ask why you’ve been slaving away over a hot keyboard all day, just make up an excuse. Or if you’re a terrible liar, just remember you have the right to remain silent. Word of mouth can be a powerful marketing technique, so it’s best to keep the conversations non-internet related.
• Have a horrible website design. The only thing that’ll come out of a good design is praise. You’ll be published in galleries, you’ll be talked about, you’re links will be passed around like a bowl of potato chips. Play it safe and shoot for a bad website design. (see: How to Make the Worst Website Ever)
• Write terrible articles. The worse the content, the less you’ll be linked to. It helps to ignore grammar rules, ramble on about irrelevant subjects, and most importantly: write about things that nobody cares about.

I’m still working on doing the exact opposite of all this. Feel free to follow my lead if you want some visitors for some odd reason. (I must be going through a sarcasm stage right now…)

I’d love to hear some of your tips on attracting zero visitors in the comments.

Floats, Stumbles, Diggs, and all other forms of support are greatly appreciated.